Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How not to feel the Pain Or How to feel the Pain

My grandmamma was the champion of the “how not to feel the pain”. Bandaged her presiding cultural “must not feel” as a first aid bandage. I didn’t know this until my later teens. After I devoured numerous mumbles jumbles; classics modern cartons illicit books and juicy adults’ books. One day the things come to mind that she was the caricature of every heroines of my readings; institutional, bit of sadistic masochistic lady with dashing presence and coiffed with original tragic lines. Entrapped in her generation, but her courage made her distinctive, dealt with her entrapment, never bent into, fought courageously in her way. She has a well defined features, tall handsome lady rather than beautiful, beneath cool façade had outrageous passionate nature (partly my temperament come from her I think … wishing…). Hers was her gods, countless gods, Buddha start with, shamanistic ten thousand gods in her disposal, everywhere her gods exist; stones, trees, every rooms, even her purse, in her keys, wardrobes, storage houses, barns, kitchens, brewing houses, land, mountains, ships and bathing room, O yes family burial ground…etc. She erected altars every spots, displayed water jars and few other symbolic things. She had her own cycle of time to change these waters around and other things. Yearly carried out a huge shamanic ritual; start with ships to every altars. Every month she went Buddhist temple too. Prayed and mediated two times daily. She comes from Confucius scholarly background of seventh of nine children. Same as her generation she never went school but home schooled. She was not brought up conventional way because of her big family. But she was saturated her Confucius background. Her painkiller was meditations and her countless gods. That was worked her well. Embattled her pains and frustrations. She was too busy to do summon her gods thought of her depression. I don’t think she believed her gods but suited her in that way. If she believed in them she forced to me to get into her countless godly venoms surly. So contrary to her, when I feel pain I yell wail, bitter brominating my oxymoron agony with utterances, with enthusiasm. Make sure everyone knows my pain! Get my way!